how to explain overthinking to someone who doesnt get it
- written from experience
my mom said just dont think about it like i hadnt already tried that eleven thousand times. he asked whats wrong and i said nothing, because the real answer, that one flat text had me building a case all afternoon, sounded insane out loud. heres what i say now instead of going quiet, and why the goal was never to make them understand it perfectly.
you cant make someone feel overthinking from the inside, so stop trying to prove how bad it is and tell them what you actually need. try this. its not that i choose to think this much, my brain does it on its own and i cant switch it off, i dont need you to fix it, i just need you to not treat me like im broken for having it. most people can do that once you tell them its what you want.
why they say just stop and it makes it worse
to someone who doesnt overthink, a thought is a thing you can put down. they genuinely dont get why you cant, because for them you can. so when they say just dont think about it, theyre not being cruel, theyre describing their own brain and assuming yours works the same. the problem is you hear it as if it were that easy id have done it, so whats wrong with me, and now you feel both anxious and defective.
thats the trap. you go in hoping to feel less alone and come out feeling more, because you tried to transfer the full weight of it and they answered from a brain that has never carried it. the fix isnt to describe the spiral in more vivid detail until they finally get it. they wont get it, not all the way, and thats okay. you dont actually need them to feel it. you need them to stop prescribing the one thing youve already tried.
you dont need them to feel it the way you do. you just need them to stop handing you advice youve already tried a thousand times.
what you actually need from them, said out loud
under the wish for them to understand is a simpler need youre not naming, and its usually not a solution. its to be believed without having to earn it. to have someone hear the crazy-sounding version and not flinch or fix, just stay. so before you explain, ask yourself the one question. what do i actually want here, to be understood or to be helped. because those are two different conversations and people cant tell which one youre in unless you say.
then say it, plainly, at the start. i dont need you to solve this, i just need you to listen for a sec. that one line changes everything, because it takes the pressure off them to perform a fix and lets them do the easy thing, which is be near you. most people arent bad at supporting you. theyre just guessing, and youve been making them guess. name the ask and youd be surprised how many of them can meet it.
what i do now before i even open my mouth
i used to dump the whole spiral on whoevers closest, unedited, hoping the sheer amount of it would make them understand. it never did. it just left me raw and them overwhelmed, both of us worse. the thing was, half of what i was saying wasnt even for them, it was me still trying to figure out what i felt by saying it at a person who couldnt sort it for me.
so now before i try to explain it to anyone i take the tangle to sotie app first instead of unloading it raw, get it out and let it ask me what im actually scared of and what i actually need, until i can hand a person one clear sentence instead of the whole storm. its so much easier to be understood when youve already understood yourself. you dont have to make someone feel your overthinking to stop feeling alone in it. you just have to know what youre asking for before you ask.
questions that come up a lot
why does explaining my overthinking make me feel worse?
usually because you go in trying to prove how bad it is, and they answer with a fix, just relax, dont let it get to you, and now on top of the overthinking you feel unseen and a little stupid for bringing it up. its not that they dont care. its that they heard a problem to solve when you needed a person to be believed by. the fix lands as youre overreacting, even when they never meant it that way.
what do i actually say to someone who doesnt overthink?
keep it short and tell them the shape of it, not every spiral. something like, when something small happens my brain treats it like a real threat and runs worst cases for hours, i know its not logical, knowing doesnt turn it off. then tell them the one thing you want. i dont need advice right now, i just need you to sit with me for a minute. naming the ask is the part most people skip, and its the part that actually helps them help you.
how do i tell my partner i overthink without scaring them?
frame it as something you manage, not a warning label. tell them it shows up as needing a little reassurance sometimes or going quiet when im in my head, and tell them the specific thing that helps, a quick text back, or just saying were okay when we are. youre not confessing a flaw, youre handing them the manual. most partners are relieved to finally know what the quiet actually means.